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January 22, 2010

I recently went shopping for a pair of jeans and was horrified at what appeared to be displayed as normal. I began to spiral downward in my thoughts. THIS is NOT average!  I have always obsessed with my weight.  I wore frumpy clothing to hide what I believed to be what others had referenced as

“junk in the trunk”,

“heavy load”,

“fat ass”,

yes there were more, but these phrases and the people who used these phrases are forever etched in my mind. I looked in the mirror and all I could see was my “fat ass” and “thunder thighs”…what has happened to my eyes? 

How has this blurred vision occurred again?  Seriously??!? 

I did not see my REAL reflection in the mirror until after the birth of my first child, my daughter. I looked in the mirror two weeks after having her and I saw the skinniest version of me since 9th grade. I realized that I was not skinnier now than I was those previous 13 years, but I was actually seeing a clear reflection of my physical self.

This reflection started to blur again a little under a year ago…when I wasn’t getting attention I desired.

It started to clear again this past fall due to my intentionality and real belief that I needed to find the clear vision or else I was sure I was on my way to an eating disorder. But the vision had to come from within. 

After my daughters birth I realized there was no way that I could be the mother I desired to be without God carrying and pushing me forward. Once I gave that control to him my eyes were opened to so many things, my physical self-image was only one of them.

So what is causing this blurred vision?

Is it the fact that the stores I used to shop at are targeting skinnier girls- girls, that some of my friends say, have a body like a 10 year old boy or girl?  

 At first I thought so and was angered at what they are advertising to be what should be desired.  And then I remembered my friends who are long and lean and I am happy for them that they can finally have places to shop at…I have family who have TRIED to gain the curves and are not able to…and really- why SHOULD they?  WHY is there this thinking that ONE body type is what should be desired…there is this thinking that you are either “too skinny” or “needing to watch what you eat and start exercising”? WHAT? I have friends of all shapes and sizes, and all of them are not on the same level of HEALTH that they might appear.

It’s not the store’s fault, it’s my fault for allowing those advertisements speak into who I think I should be.

What has caused this blurred vision is that I’ve forgotten that I am God’s daughter—I am HIS child who is a part of this beautiful world and is trying to live a healthy life.

Health for me means doing the following daily:

1)        Spending time with God, family, and friends

2)        Eating whole and natural and local foods

3)        Walking instead of riding whenever possible (e.g.: I take the stairs instead of the elevator)

4)        Exercising and/or stretching

5)        Sleep, rest, and REAL REST.

Sooo…I am committing myself to my current understanding of health. 

I left the mall and found jeans at Target- where I can say there really is clothing for ALL shapes and sizes. I need to hem the jeans- but I love them and I love how I feel in them…but that feeling comes from within- not from other people.

This new vision is a root I pray will continue to dig deeper and establish itself so that I can rest on it.

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